A Woman awaiting Motherhood

A Woman awaiting Motherhood

Every story ends with a moral, I begin mine with one – there is no battle undying faith and mental positivity cannot win.

Like every other girl in her 20s I had always dreamt of being married and having a baby by the age of 25. The conventional age of becoming a mother in India. I had a perfect plan, I wanted to make an international trip with my husband before we plunged into parenthood. So far everything went as per the plan.

Every woman, I believe, is born with motherly instincts. I was too, I always hoped and prayed that I make a good mother.

Just then, I heard about the Panchakarma ((in Ayurvedic medicine) a fivefold detoxification treatment involving massage, herbal therapy, and other procedures). Every massage left me rejuvenated. I felt like my body was now clean and healthy and ready to welcome my baby in.

So far so good. The obvious next step seemed pregnancy. While I did the Panchakarma the doctor there advised me to hormonal test and all reports were ideal. By now, we had stopped using any kind of contraception and we were prepared to be pregnant parents very soon.

My quest to make an awesome mom was constantly on. I would ask my pregnant friends, read books and online resources about everything associated with pregnancy and baby care. Soon I started reading the Bhagwad Gita

My baby had yet not decided to come to us. I waited and kept visualizing the day the much awaited news would break to me. I felt disheartened, but the time factor had not taken on to me yet.

After six months, I attended a shibir which was conducted by a revolutionary… The experience was divine. I felt like staying back there. I felt enlightened. I was introduced to a more calm, composed, relaxed, aware and sorted version of myself.  The shibir was called ‘one step up‘ where we were made to understand that we are souls n not the body. It taught me how we live in brahm of the body. I learnt how to be unaffected by others behavior n more importantly how to lose expectation that is not keep expectations from any person or circumstances.

I danced with joy with the thought that GOD had the perfect plan for me. He wanted me to be a better me, before I become a mother.

By now, I had evolved, my thought process had changed, my relationships were better – my life had transformed.

I did not want to be a mother now, because I was a certain age, I now wanted to do much more for my child than ever before, in terms of spirituality.

I prayed. I followed sahebji. I visualized my life with my baby. The wait was still on. I was still patiently saying to myself, my baby is choosing his parents. I knew it was true beyond any doubt, that my baby would come to me at the best time.

While I say all this, I have to admit I am not Jesus. I had my share of days when I felt broken and disheartened.

I was dispirited each month I got my period. It was even more downheartening to watch my husband disappointed. Although, he never expressed it me, I could read his heart. People, who we call friends, family and even acquaintances would only have one thing to ask, WHEN? I replied with my typical “very soon”

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Months passed by. I was still waiting for that perfect moment. By now most of the people around me were aware of my desire to have a baby. I was bombarded with advice and suggestions. Each one asked me to make a visit to the gynecologist, they recommend. I respected all their opinions and ideas, but I felt overwhelmed with unwanted advice. I filtered and kept in my heart only the piece of advice I liked. ( It did not seem like a good idea to visit 10 different gynacs )

Many of my friends, got pregnant and delivered their baby, while I was still “trying”. I was happy for them, I really was, but I wanted to hold my baby, the way they held theirs. My mind was constantly thinking I would take this course, I will treat my baby this way, I would dress him like that, I will do this, I will do that, but when?

Some more months passed by

On my husband’s insistence I visited another doctor. I decided to trust him and have undying faith in him after I consulted him a few times. My heart was convinced that my baby would come to me under this doctor’s guidance after I cognized that he was a disciple of my Gurudev too.

I was convinced God is a perfect scriptwriter and the story of my life is indeed a happy one.

I blindly followed my doctor. Did every test he asked me to, popped every pill he prescribed.

Since all tests appeared normal we expected the baby’s arrival very soon.

But some more months passed by.
I have always been a very career oriented woman. While all of this was happening, I was still working. I have always aspired to grow professionally. But at this time, my attention was focused on my baby.  At the same time my only focus was baby. A friend of mine, who meditates advised me to focus on one thing either job or the baby. I made up my mind and put forth my resignation. Due to some legal constraints, I could not leave my job. What I did now was, commanded my mind and soul to quit stress about work and take it easy!

I also did a lot of meditation. Learnt several techniques.  Yes spirituality with mediation works wonders.

I heard all the positive affirmations for conceiving in my own voice every night before slept.

It’s not that I didn’t lose my mind sometimes. I cried, I was depressed I was low, but my ability to bounce back, kept me going.

There were days when I almost gave up, I thought motherhood is not meant for me. But my close friends and family members assured me the best was on its way.  I thank them and love them for it. I know there were many praying with me and for me.

There were days when my husband and I blamed each other…… There were days when he was low and I supported him and there were days when I was low and he did all kind of things to cheer me up.

My arms were still waiting to hold our baby. The doctor told us, the next visit, that IUI/ IVF treatment was the only way out. I was shattered. Even with the thought of it tears started to roll down my eyes. But I explained to myself, this way or the other my baby is destined to come to me. How does it matter? Within a couple of days I was hopeful again. I asked the doctor for a month’s time before we began with the procedure. I had some trips and a family wedding lined up….

What happened the next month, was magical. The miracle I waited for, was now reality. I skipped a period the next month and was positive on a pregnancy test.

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A wait of 22 months, of convincing myself, preparing myself, fighting with myself, had now ended. I know there are women who have waited for much longer. I know there are some still waiting. But I also know we are all destined to receive the best.

I’m sure God has the best plan for you.

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